i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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