Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
