Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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