I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
