i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
