you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
