Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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