I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
