i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize