You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
