I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
