I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
