ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
