Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize