is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
