on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
