Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
