I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
