If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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