do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
