I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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