I skipped work to stalk him.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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