the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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