Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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