Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
