Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Randomize
