highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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