today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
