I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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