She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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