I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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