everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
