Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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