someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
