After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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