Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm at about main and main street
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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