Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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