Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
