Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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