Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
