found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
