Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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