Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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