u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
