Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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