"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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