I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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