TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
