Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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