I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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