Your mouth is God's brothel.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
