pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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