Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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