Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There are leaves in my underwear?
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