You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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