that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
