Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
