Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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