dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
