So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
