I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
