She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
