Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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