the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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