I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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