I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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