I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
