I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
