My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize